This is shaping up to be the year of dreams fulfilled. I had a major insight that cracked open a whole new world of possibility for me today. It’s still opening up. If I weren’t already dog tired I’d share more about it right now.
The shortest version I can manage is that the source of my whole life of want, struggle, anger and frustration in the area of relationships became crystal clear today in distinguishing the conversation that has been running my life, unbeknownst to me. That conversation, which has provided the default backdrop, context if you will, for all my thoughts and actions is “What’s wrong with me?”
And the more I accomplished and the more I was acknowledged, the more persistent the question was. “What’s wrong with me?” that if I’m so great, I never get asked out; I haven’t had a date since the Bush administration and I never get hit on by anyone with a full set of teeth, I’ve never been in a long-term relationship, engaged, etc meanwhile toothless, angry, dumb heifers date, fall in love, have sex and get married repeatedly. What more could I possibly do or be? You may also hear the flip-side of this question, which is “what’s wrong with them?” Either I’m too good for them or they’re too good for me.
I felt like I’d put in a yeoman’s effort to become catch-worthy and resented any advice to try to change this or that or what have you. It all got heard through the filter “there’s something wrong with me…still.” The experience was infuriating and made me feel sad, pissed off and hopeless that I’d ever have any power in this one area.
Today, in distinguishing the background conversation or unanswerable question I can see it as a made up story or point of view that it is rather than the “unfortunate truth” about me. And in getting that, I have a new found freedom to just be myself and be open and available to people. I feel like there’s a whole new world available to me, where I don’t have to fix, change or improve one more thing about myself.
I can let my guard down enough to let someone in, because I’m not afraid they’ll figure out what’s wrong with me and high tail it in the other direction before I can either attempt to hide or fix it. As a result, I’m also no longer afraid to admit to myself or declare to the world that this is the year that I’m going to meet, fall in love and be in a committed romantic relationship the man of my dreams…and he’s gonna adore me just the way I am, both the yin and the yang of me.
…So what does this have to do with yoga…I don’t know, but it was what was on my mind and what I wanted to share after my deeply relaxing Jeff practice tonight.
I’m supposed to go to his class in 9 hours and jah see an’ kno’ seh mi no wan go. I’m actually a little afraid I’m too rusty from my lax month of practicing to keep up. But I guess that’s just the another angle of the point of view, which is a fear that I don’t have what it takes. So, I’ll ignore that fear and make sure I take myself and my new yoga mat to Tempe tomorrow morning.