Cupcakes = Love

Cupcakes = Love

There is a world alive inside my mind that I call my life and it vacillates from peaceful and sated as I am now to shitty and pessimistic which is how I was around 1 o’clock today.

I seem to do extremes. I noticed when traveling for a month by myself in Europe that I seem to only have two speeds – stop and go. It’s been a while since I considered the possibility of being satisfied. Satisfied usually sounds like a compromise or a cop out to me. I can’t have what I really want, so I’ll just be satisfied with “x”.

But in the stillness of my practice today, and it was almost all sitting, breathing, noticing the increased strength and length of my core muscles, I noticed that satisfaction is a close relative of completion. By this I mean that I haven’t had a W-2 style job in over 5 years and that’s only been 1 of the last 10.

I’ve been accustomed to working weekends and always having something more, something else I could be doing. Perfect for someone who constantly doubts whether she’s “x” enough. Well, the Census work is definitely a job…like a TGIF type job. And I haven’t been concerned about the sanctity of “The Weekend” in eons.

Well, when you have a “job” that ends on Friday and doesn’t demand jack shit of you until Monday, it actually creates space that having a business that could always be being worked on doesn’t. I also got my first paycheck in a while and I spent it thusly: on a plane ticket to go to my little cousin’s graduation and see the whole extended family and to buy plants.

The plants are to satisfy my need for beauty and to stem the complaints I have about where I live. I got a stunningly beautiful white foxglove, a delicious smelling rose bush and some lantana for ground cover. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have realized the difference planting a garden could make without my census travels and without sharing my thoughts here.

I used to think all the time living in Steamboat about how lucky and grateful I was that I got to live in such a beautiful, magical place. I still remember thinking, almost every time I’d get to the top of Mt. Werner Circle (before they put up the Steamboat Grand and all that other stuff to block the view out to the Flat Tops), I used to say to myself how lucky I was that I got to live here and see that view every day, when most people would save up a whole year just to enjoy it for a week.

I knew then that I had the better bargain, that I was smarter than them and of late I’ve been trying my best to become one of them and I don’t know how to get back to that me.

I think I’ve sold out a lot of possibilities for the possibility of being a millionaire and now that that’s literally bankrupt it’s all I can do sometimes not to reel at the time, love, and joy lost. I’m remembering my post from a few nights ago and the pull to want to “know how”.

What I want, though, is a life that is rich and exciting and filled with adventure, beauty, a magnificent tapestry of people and experiences and love, true love, a trail I have yet to travel very far. That is a life that in which I would be satisfied…and I have a feeling it’s not as far away as my mind would have me believe.

This song makes me happy and captures how I feel right now.

“Zero Percent” by Jason Mraz